What a whirlwind week. I've had the most influx of emotions all week. How can I begin to recap this past week? (Bear
with me, my thoughts are kinda jumbled at the moment...)
Well I guess I'll start off with the CCF elections. Excitement over next year turned into defeat when the votes took
forever to be counted, then depression when it was official that I wasn't approved. In hindsight, there were a billion
things I could've done differently. My vision for CCF was distorted by listening too much to ppl's obsession over the
fact that no one was running for chair; I didn't nearly emphasize my passion for cell groups the way I should have; my
letting distractions get to me more than they should have. What really hurts is all the talk afterwards, behind my back.
People trying to justify why they didn't vote for me, yet it was supposed to be a secret ballot. Honestly, I can't blame
people for not voting for me to be chair of CCF. I'm the first to admit I'm not ready for that. But that's just the
problem. I wasn't running for chair. I was running for vice. Depression turned to bitterness and anger at the gossip,
and what I felt like was being abandoned by the fellowship that I so dearly loved. It was so bad, that I was physically
breaking down because of lack of sleep, and became sick.
For the most part, with the exception of to a few close people, I kept these emotions to myself. I was really shocked
because a lot of people didn't give me any time and space at all after the election setback. They just expected me to go
along as if nothing happened. There really wasn't much I could do; for this year, I was still a leader, and as much as I
despised even the thought of doing a thing for CCF because of everything that happened after, I had to go back to remembering
why I wanted to serve in the first place, and that was because of God more than anything else. That was the only thing
that kept me going.
Stan told me that as a leader, you need to keep your integrity...at the end of the day, can I defend my decisions and
my actions? And I can say yes to that with confidence. I still stand by decision to run, and I definitely stand by
the vision and the challenges I made when I was sharing. I don't question for one second God's decision to get me to run,
nor do I question God's decision to not let me serve on committee next year. I think it's opened my eyes quite a bit to
what the fellowship was heading towards and what it really meant. Although it still hurt quite a bit, it helped a lot to
really remember that...the judgement of my performace will never be between CCF and I, but it always be between God and I.
Wednesday, Pino dropped a bombshell on me: the same guy that had said he had absolutely no interest in attending a church, a
fellowship, or a cell group, all this only 7 months ago, had finally accepted Christ. It's been an awesome blessing just
watching him grow in IBS, the questions that he asks, the challenges that he's presented YeeLee and I. When he told me,
I was completely floored...the few days before that, I was completely not being a good witness to him...again, I realized
that I was so engulfed in my thoughts that I had forgotten what I was there for to begin with. The roles were completely
reversed for a moment; he was the one who was telling me that God had better plans for me, that I needed to pray more, that
CCF still needed me. All I can really say is...wow. It brought instant joy in my heart.
Thursday, I was questioned as to why I didn't go to the prayer meeting for the new committee. First of all, like Amelia
said, CCF is not in a crisis just because there is no chair and vice-chair. I was already praying on my own for the new
committee. There was no NEED to be there for some cosmetic show of support. Second, I was busy with preparations for
the grad dinner, buying decorations. I'm thinking, geez, people are complaining about Kowloon and grad dinner,
yet they expect me to be at prayer meetings too...I'm not superman, I can't do everything or be everywhere at once.
So I decided to apply what I've learned, and said as long as I'm doing what I need to do, screw everything else. =)
Friday was a huge crash of mixed feelings. Stress about preparations, worry about time and flow, anger at some attitude
I was given over seating arrangements, depression over the reminder of the election, tears over grads leaving,
stillness during worship, laughter at hilarious skits, vindication that I was able to shut up those who complained about
Kowloon. I still felt like crap since I was still sick, but at the end of the night, with the jazz music, candlelit
atmosphere, huge feast, and live entertainment, I can say, with thanks to the team of help I had, that I did a pretty
damn good job. I was able to keep my composure, and that's the bottom line.
Even with all the compliments about the grad dinner, I had to say, where were you when I was down and I needed you? People
were so quick to compliment when times are good, and avoided me completely when times are bad earlier in the week. But
then I realize that it's unreasonable to expect people to react a certain way to things. Everybody has their own way of dealing
with things and it was selfish of me to expect to be "consoled".
So I guess that leaves me with where I am now....well, I learned a heckuva lot, that's for sure. But to be honest, I don't
want to think about i very much. It's natural for me to want to step back and re-evaluate, but I'm already being asked to
help out at Campus Challenge.
I guess after my final exam on April 25th, I'll let you know how I feel then.
Songs of the moment: I Understand by McMaster & James, I Miss You So by Diana Krall, and Sun+Moon=Tomorrow by Ivana Santilli.
Until next time, somebody please kick me in the head if you catch me not studying anytime in the next two weeks.
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