But in university, I've become a procrastinating lazy ass.

And I realized why. In high school, having friends like James, who was willing to harp on my ass if I even slightly slack, kept me in line. For the most part, our high school crew weren't slackers by any means. We were always pushing each other to higher levels. We all entered university full of promise, in very respectable programs, in great schools.

The sky was the limit.

But in university, all I've heard from friends and classmates were how lazy they are, what kind of bums they are, how much they leave stuff to the last minute, what new distractions are available - and it became engraved into my subconscious that it was actually okay to be like this.

It's not.

When James came home from Montreal 2 weeks ago for Thanksgiving, we both still needed to study for our midterms the coming week, so he came over to study for the day. I realized just how much I had fallen when an hour into our study time he looks at me and goes, "what the hell are you doing, turd??" Back in high school, it would've taken at least 5 hours before I start to slack and then he yells at me. Now, when school's harder, it didn't even take one hour. But that's not even the clincher. It's when I realized had he not said anything, I'd still be mindlessly on the computer or doing anything but reading my notes. At the end of the day, I had studied more in that 4-hour afternoon than I usually did in an entire weekend.

Slowly but surely, my standards for myself and others' for me are deteriorating. And I didn't even see it coming. I've gone from "I'm gonna end up working for this guy someday" to "He's alright, but man, if only he worked harder." My name became synonymous with laziness. I've become so complacent that I just passed off those comments as hearsay. But I shouldn't. Those comments should sting me hard. And they're finally beginning to.

I never thought I'd actually have sunk so low that I need to say this to myself, but it's not okay to be a lazy bum. It's not okay to leave things to the last minute. It's not okay to get that 76 when I'm supposed to get an 85. And definitely, it is NOT okay to be without that determination to succeed. I'm meant for so much more than what I am now. I'm reminded of the Parable of the Talents; granted, talents were a form of money back then, but taken metaphorically, God is going to kick my ass for taking the talent he's given me and burying it instead of investing it and doubling what he's given me.

I'm friggin' 22 now. And I've got a frosh cousin watching my every move. Am I going to give her the impression that it's okay to slack? Even if I don't do it for her, I still have to do it for me. Bottom line is, regardless of circumstances, I simply have to get the job done.

So I'm gonna stop here, and get some studying done.

[sotm] Ludacris's Stand Up.

I'm on the outside, looking in
What do I see?
So much of this left to begin
Where would I be?
I'm on the outside, looking in
Cover me through this night

Guess I don't know what's, left to say
But hear me out
All of the dreams of, yesterday
Keep breaking me down
What's on the outside, can you say
Or am I getting carried away

It's in your mind
It's in your eyes
So it's goodbye again
It's way past time
For one last try
So it's goodbye again
Goodbye...again

I'm getting on, what's the use
You know how I get
I can't decide which is the truth
At least not yet
I got the feeling, it's you
What can be said, alone in this room
No...

It's in your mind
It's in your eyes
So it's goodbye again
It's way past time
For one last try

Who wants you now?
Maybe somebody else
I'll wait around
Maybe you'll forget you were ever here
Maybe forget you were ever, never here

I'm on the outside, looking down
What do I see?
So much of this cold, in the ground
Where would i be?
On the outside, looking down
Cover me before you go

It's in your mind
It's in your eyes
So it's goodbye again
It's way past time
For one last try
So it's goodbye again

Your falling out
I'm falling in
So it's goodbye again
It's way past time
For one last try
So it's goodbye...again
So it's goodbye again

There's something about Smallville music that makes songs played in episodes an instant hit with me. I guess I'm feeding the marketing commercialism machine. Am I being turned into a drone? Nah...Smallville producers just have good taste in music. Of course, the lyrics pulled me in too. I'm slowly but surely shifting into my melancholy nostalgic mood, with my last post's Here Without You and this post's Goodbye Again, punctuated with the fact that I can't get any kind of studying done whatsoever and I just mindlessly read other's blogs (I tend not to do that when I'm in a good mood for some reason). Must be the change in weather. I wish it was still summer.

The good news is, only 63 more days until Christmas. I just wish I could ski this year, but I'm still forbidden from any kind of sports until at least January. At least I can do light 30 second spurt jogs...btw, since I didn't post what I was thankful for during Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my new laminated handicap parking pass, for which the Ministry of Transportation mysteriously extended the expiry date by another 2 months, so instead of ending in November, it ends in January 2004. Booyah!

Of course, now that I walk, I'm not taking advantage by parking in handicap spaces, I save them for those that are TRULY handicapped (unless I'm in a rush and I can't find any kind of parking anywhere else). The main purpose of it now for me is to get free parking anywhere, anytime. You'd figure that would save me from gadzillion parking tickets that I get for not paying the meter, yet I somehow accumulated 2 parking tickets this week for the dumbest mistake of parking during no-parking times.

Oh yeah, I'm thankful I can walk again too.

On the flip side, I can't even use it as a really personal journal, because there are things I'd like only for my own reference, or for close friends & family, and may not be suitable for everybody. Meaning I can't post certain thoughts here. Thoughts like where I feel like I stand in life, talking about certain relationships, and how much my Grand-Aunt has become the bane of my existence. (Tianne and Eric complain about spending a weekend or a couple of days with her....try spending a LIFETIME with her, unwillingly listening to her rants about hemorrhoids, you wussies!)

Obviously somebody's gonna suggest starting up another blog, a private one. Let's see YOU try to manage 2 blogs, let alone 3! Between this one and my new restaurant review blog (btw, if you wanna join the team...let me know!), I can't possibly have the time to start another one.

Another smartass will be sure to suggest blogging whatever's on my mind anyway, and screw what others think. Problem is, it's not so much about what others think, it's more about what I'm willing to share with the general public. This site's been around for almost 10 years. It's become part of my identity, so people know to find my updates here. I'm not about to post intimate details of my life to the world. There are days I wish I could, especially when it comes to relationships, but the way I see it, when it comes to my personal relationships, they're my own business. I don't need nosy people adding pressure. (though for the record, I'm single at the moment...so don't bother asking if there's anyone...tho even if there was, I'd probably say no anyway...heh)

Back to "normal" blogging...I feel nostalgic. The power of Friendster will do that to you. I've found current friends, high school friends, summer friends, HK friends...even elementary school friends. Though it seems like things I've left behind are catching up to me - there are people I'd rather not add to my list, whether it's because I don't like them, or because they belong to a time that I'd rather stay away from. Yet this is where Friendster also has its disadvantages; if there's an overzealous "friend" who demands that you add them to their list, and you don't, you've clearly and publicly severed ties with them (and in my case, one "friend" went bonkers on me and being just the general nice polite acquaintance wasn't good enough anymore). If you answer "Is Justin your friend?" with "No", it's a pretty public slap in the face, especially if psychos logon every 2 seconds checking to see if you've approved them as a friend yet.

If you just accept everybody on your list, your friends list becomes diluted and it loses some meaning. Sigh. So where to draw the line?

Anyway...here's the song stuck on permanent loop the past 2 days...

A hundred days had made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
But tonight girl it’s only you and me

- 3 Doors Down, Here Without You

So I scored a 44....Emily scored a 39, so my first reaction when I added up the score was, "Ha! I beat her!" Only to read on with the test and realize that the scores didn't really mean jack in terms of scoring better than someone else. But this is what my 44 was supposed to mean:

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as a fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Not bad at all! I could get used to those kinds of descriptions about me. =) And true too! I helped out Gloria with her wedding dress shopping today, she was going to go with her brother but he ended up sick, and I had some time so I ended up taking her to Eaton Center with Derek. All that dress shopping, yet all she ended up with was a jacket from Urban Planet. =)

If you wanna take the test, lemme know and I'll mail it to you.

Song of the Moment: Get It Together by Seal.